Wise Friendship to Hurting Hearts
Often times Muslim women come from a background of trauma. Many of our friends have lived as refugees or victims of oppression depending on what part of the world they come from. Dr. Audrey Davidheiser helps us navigate these tender friendships with wisdom and compassion.
It’s 3 p.m.
Like she does every afternoon, the lady ambles to your porch, finger poised on your doorbell, ready to vent. The Christian in you strives to respond with grace—brew the coffee, pull out the pastries, and devote ample time for her.
Who is this woman?
She represents anyone outside your family who has entrusted you with their burden.
That she confides in you is an honor—but wisdom calls for avoiding the following temptations as you befriend her.
1. Not counting the cost.
Solution: Luke 14: 28-30 warn against this. Are you prepared to hear real-life horror stories again and again? Helping people with emotional anguish—particularly due to trauma[1]—isn’t a hobby to assume or abandon casually. Hearing about the terror your friend faces can usher in vicarious trauma. If self-preservation convinces you to ignore the door, however, you may amplify her sorrow. Don’t let your goodwill end in grief.
2. Adopting her burden as your own.
Solution: Clarify her expectations and set your boundaries. What does she need from you? A metaphorical safe place? Or a literal one—perhaps to hide from her man’s drunken rage? Is she hoping for money? Don’t tread where you’re not invited. At the same time, assess whether what she needs is something you can supply. A compassionate “sorry, I can’t” serves more than a yes you half-heartedly confess.
3. Usurping her power to decide.
Solution: Hearing victims’ stories of oppression evokes compassion and a practical question: what can I do to end this nightmare? Tales of verbal, even physical or sexual abuse may spur you to promote solutions like moving out, getting a divorce, filing a lawsuit—tangible steps to flee misery. Before voicing these suggestions, however, remember how your friend reigns as the expert of her situation. Share your opinions if she seeks it, but don’t pressure her to take your advice. Solutions you deem shrewd may flop given her personality, history, or cultural codes. Support her no matter what, because a friend loves at all times (Proverbs 17:17).
4.Criticizing her circumstance.
Solution: Listen without passing judgment regarding her beliefs—regardless of how wrong they are, and whether they emanated from her religion or culture (Matthew 7:1, Luke 6:37, Romans 14:10). It’s human nature to expose our emotional wounds only when we feel safe. Criticism never creates safety. Ask God to show her the truth about her situation (John 16:13).
5. Cave into curiosity.
Solution: Empathizing with what your neighbor volunteers to share is worlds apart from probing for more. Prioritize her interest above yours (Philippians 2:4) and refrain from peppering her with questions to satisfy your curiosity. Prying paralyzes trust.
Helping a hurting soul is noble, but draining. The good news is more tips are coming.
Walk with the Lord while you befriend suffering souls. His gentleness will rub off on you (Isaiah 42:3) and He will teach you what to say (Isaiah 50:4).
[1]To read more about psychological trauma, consult https://www.apa.org/topics/trauma/.